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About three months into our coaching engagement, David transferred divisions. His boss, Joanna, had initiated his coaching because she often felt he was overly cautious. David’s expertise was unique and she’d wanted him to apply it more independently and assertively.
Now his new boss, Jay, was coming down hard on him, repeatedly reining him in. Jay’s messages were “Check with me” and “Include the group” and “Don’t be a rogue.”
Jay expressed his frustration to me. Not only did he want David to be more of a team player, he wanted him to stop being so argumentative about the feedback.
David was caught in what I call The Feedback Paradox and his struggles were causing people to experience him as defensive. I felt pretty certain we could set this whole thing right by addressing both the paradox and his responses.
First we looked at The Feedback Paradox.
We talked about what feedback is and isn’t. I define feedback as one person’s experience of another person. “I liked what you said in that meeting” is feedback. “You talk too fast” is feedback. “Your values don’t align with the company’s” is feedback. None of those statements are “the truth;” they’re just feedback: one person’s experience of another.
“Your idea will never fly” is not feedback. That’s not someone’s experience of you; it’s their opinion about your idea. “You’re late again” is not feedback; it’s a piece of measurable data. “You scared that poor waitress to death” is not feedback; it’s one person’s guess about a second person’s effect on a third person. If the waitress confirms the guess (“Yes, you did scare me to death”), that would be feedback.
In David’s prior position, Joanna had told him, “You’re not taking enough risks. I want you to act more decisively on your expertise.” That was feedback and he had tried to act on it. Now the very behaviors he’d worked to create were getting him into trouble—hence the paradox.
I talked with David about the profession of criticism. Read any selection of reviews about a play or a book or a movie. Critics inevitably contradict one another. What is sophomoric and blatant to one reviewer is clever and surprising to another. How can this be? Because every critic brings years of personal perspective to the moment of reviewing. What appears to be paradoxical and contradictory is simply individual.
Whatever feedback you’re getting these days is no different. If one piece of feedback contradicts another, it doesn’t make either of them invalid; it just makes them each unique to the person giving it.
David began to see that Jay’s feedback was uniquely Jay’s and that ultimately he, David, would have to choose whether to act on Jay’s feedback. (Since Jay was now his boss, I was advising David to act on the feedback as best he could!)
But whether he acted on it or not, appearing defensive and argumentative could not be good for him. So we turned to that.
In part David appeared defensive because he cared. Approval was very important to David. So Jay’s feedback felt unfair and very personal.
“But it’s not personal,” I told David.
“How can it not be personal? It’s about me! You don’t think that’s personal?”
“No, it’s not,” I said. “It’s about Jay. Jay’s feedback is his report of his experience of you. You contribute to Jay’s experience, sure, but how he experiences you is not actually about you. It’s about him and his preferences. Just as Joanna’s experience of you was about her and her preferences.”
“Yeah, well, I liked her feedback a whole lot more!”
“I’m sure you did!” I said, laughing. “But her feedback wasn’t ‘better’ or more valid; it was just more comfortable. But hers wasn’t about you any more than Jay’s is about you.”
If feedback is just someone’s opinion, then it cannot be right or wrong; it simply is. Since feedback simply is, it’s beyond debate. Anything that sounds like, “No, you don’t understand!” is defensive.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines defensiveness as “Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one's shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.” Understandably, people who react defensively are seen as unready for leadership responsibilities.
| To avoid sounding defensive, you only have two choices about your response: |
| 1 |
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“Thank you.” |
| 2 |
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“Can you clarify what you meant when you said…?” |
David didn’t want to sound defensive but felt those two responses wouldn’t allow him to explain his confusion to Jay, so we shaped this communication:
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“I really do appreciate your feedback, Jay. I want you to know I’m really trying to understand it and do what you’re asking. I also want you to know that for the past two years Joanna asked me to act more independently and I worked hard to develop that part of myself. So if it seems like I’m stuck in old behaviors, that may be why.” |
| This avoids sounding defensive by incorporating three specific behaviors: |
| 1 |
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It doesn’t argue against Jay’s position. On the contrary, David acknowledges Jay’s position and aligns with it. (“I’m really trying to do what you’re asking.”) |
| 2 |
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It takes an “and stance.” It says, “Here’s my understanding of what you’ve said and I’d like to add to that.” (“I understand your point and I also want you to know…”) |
| 3 |
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While attempting to enlighten it still accepts full responsibility. (“If I seem stuck, that may be why.”) |
Handling feedback effectively requires, first and foremost, that you realize that what you’re hearing is just someone’s opinion. It may be contradictory or feel terribly personal but it actually isn’t about you at all: it’s about them.
Second, slow down your response. Say “thanks” or ask for clarification. If you want to add thoughts of your own, be sure to include the three behaviors described above. Responding maturely to feedback is a crucial part of The Look & Sound of Leadership™.
Read related Tips:
Getting Good Feedback
Repairing Damaged Relationships |
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