Before I began coaching Mark, I spoke with his boss, Kendra. She was clearly his fan. Besides authorizing his coaching, she’d increased his responsibilities and was positioning him for a promotion.

While talking about things she’d like Mark to do better she said, “I feel like I’m always chasing him for one particular set of reports. Every week during our one-on-one meeting, I ask about it and every week he says he’ll forward it to me. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. I’d like him to be better at that.” Then, with some frustration, she said, “Mark’s a smart guy. Wouldn’t you think after all this time he’d get the message?”

When I shared Kendra’s feedback with Mark, at first he was quite defensive. Then finally, exasperated, he said, “Why hasn’t she ever told me this?”

I found it fascinating that Kendra and Mark got to almost the exact same place in their thinking about each other. Kendra’s question (“Wouldn’t you think after all this time he’d get the message?”) and Mark’s question (“Why hasn’t she ever told me this?”) are essentially the same.

When people act differently from the behavior we want, “we conclude that these differences in individual behavior are but temporary manifestations of madness, badness, stupidity or sickness . . . Our Pygmalion project, then, is to make all those near us just like us.”

That wry observation by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates is in Please Understand Me, a masterful analysis of the different temperaments revealed in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® personality assessment.

It’s no accident that assessments are used in virtually every executive development program. The two main reasons for using assessments are, first, that they allow us to glimpse an objective reflection of ourselves: without increased self-awareness none of us can grow beyond the capabilities we have today. Second, they help us understand that our unique profile is only one of many possible profiles—and that our profile is not “better” than anyone else’s.

The nature of Mark’s question (“Why didn’t she tell me this herself?”) was a red flag that he might struggle accepting people different from himself. Sure enough, quite late in our work, Mark began to complain about Gerald, a peer in a different division. Where Mark was creative and entrepreneurial, Gerald, it seemed, was detail oriented and by-the-book. Mark saw him as an annoying obstruction to be gotten around. But Mark was forced to interact with him and he wasn’t doing it very gracefully.

A few minutes into Mark’s rant about Gerald, I held up my hand and said, “Can I make some guesses about this guy?” Mark said sure. “Do you experience him as sort of cold?” Mark said he did. “Nit-picking?” Mark said he did. “Slow and cautious?” Yes, indeed, said Mark. I listed three more attributes until finally Mark said suspiciously, “Do you know him?”

I laughed and said, no. But I felt I knew his profile. And so I could predict with a fair amount of certainty how someone with Mark’s profile would experience him.

At first Mark thought I’d performed an amazing piece of magic. But I worked hard to demystify what I’d done. I wanted Mark to see that the majority of people who frustrate him will fall into recognizable groups; certain parts of his profile predictably rub harshly against particular parts of their profiles. But those people aren’t “mad, bad, stupid or sick,” they’re just different. If he could grasp this, he’d be much more successful in his workplace relationships.

In your moments of frustration, listen to what you think or say about others. Are you asking questions like these: “Why can’t she get this right?” “How hard can this be?” “Isn’t this obvious?” All of those—plus Mark and Kendra’s questions—express a basic irritation that someone is different from us. And how that’s just damned annoying!

If these are occasional thoughts for you, fine, that’s pretty natural. But if this is a repeated thought pattern, beware: people may experience you as prickly or difficult. Working towards accepting the differences of others will be important to your advancement.

There is a wide variety of online assessments you can take if you haven’t had the opportunity before. Click here to receive free “first level” feedback. Then, if you like, you can purchase an in-depth, 10-page interpretation of your style for a modest fee.

No matter what website you go to for feedback, the real point is this: without increased self-awareness none of us can grow beyond the capabilities we have today.

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