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Rich, the CFO of his division, is a caring, empathic guy who excels in many ways. In the final minutes of a coaching session he happened to mention he was about to give some tough feedback to one of his direct reports. I asked if I could help. He rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, it’s a LONG story.”
The only part of his story that was really long was how long he had been putting off delivering any feedback to this woman. Four people had already left her department because of her but he was only now taking action! He was embarrassed to have let the situation get so out of control. When I asked what had stopped him from intervening sooner, he said, “She’s going to go nuclear when she hears this.”
“Yes, she might,” I said. “But it’s your job to manage her.”
Rich thought he wasn’t giving his feedback to this woman because she’d react badly. I disagree. I think he wasn’t giving his feedback to her because he couldn’t manage his own discomfort. And because he didn’t have good tools to manage her if she did react badly.
Rich is not alone. Some of the excuses I hear about why people don’t give feedback (and I hear a lot!) are:
“He should know better. I shouldn’t have to tell him.”
“It’s just not safe to mention this. He’ll go ballistic.”
“I’m afraid of hurting her feelings.”
“I don’t want to appear controlling.”
“If I tell him, he won’t like me.”
“It won’t make any difference. She’s not gonna change.” |
These excuses are attempts to justify why we don’t give tough feedback. And not one of them is legitimate.
The only legitimate reason for withholding feedback is if your intention is to hurt, punish or humiliate the receiver. Assuming that’s not the case with you, here are three actions to take to overcome your reluctance to delivering tough feedback.
First, think back in your own life. Who helped you grow and become the successful professional you are today? A scout leader or sports coach or early mentor? Whoever it was, think how they made a difference for you. Did they tiptoe around you, fearful you’d collapse in the face of a challenge? Or did they assume you were healthy and resilient? The image they had of you affected the image you had of you.
Wouldn’t you like to leave that sort of a legacy with the people around you? To do so, you have to believe your feedback is an appropriate challenge that will ultimately help the person develop.
Second, ask yourself what your real intention is. Do you genuinely want the other person to succeed and grow? If so, why would you withhold your feedback from them?
Once you know your intention, it’s often helpful to state what your intention is—and also what it is not. This might sound like: “I want to share some feedback with you. My intention is help you in an area I think is important for your success. It’s not my intention to sound harsh or to put you on the defensive.”
Third, clarify the feedback you want to give before you give it. Ask yourself this: if they could apply what you’re telling them, would they perform better? If so, why would you withhold your feedback?
Thinking about whether your feedback can be applied helps you make sure your feedback is specific and measurable. “Sometimes you’ve got a really bad attitude” is neither specific nor measurable. “Many times you don’t speak respectfully to other team members during staff meetings” is well on its way to being both specific and measurable. (You’ll still need to define what it sounds like to “speak respectfully.”)
Whether you’re uncomfortable giving feedback or not, improving performance is one of your most important responsibilities as a manager. Here, in summary, are the three steps that will help you execute your responsibilities with excellence:
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1
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Recall how direct, honest
feedback has helped your
development. |
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Ask yourself, “What is my real
intention in delivering this
feedback?” |
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Ask yourself, “If they could do
this, would they improve?” |
Read related Tips:
Discussing
Difficult Behaviors
Giving Powerful Feedback
Handling Defensive Behaviors
Performance Reviews
Your Team's Best Interests - Part One
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