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Myra is chief operating officer at a
firm that creates massive art
installations. She was hired to
bring order to what had been a
freewheeling artistic organization
that repeatedly ran over budget and
behind schedule.
During our first coaching session
Myra asked if I could help her with
Tim, the CFO. “Every time I tell him
an idea,” Myra said, “he ends up
yelling that I’m ruining the
company’s spirit and he storms out.
The next day, he acts like nothing
happened and says my idea’s great.”
She continued with resignation. “I
hate the way he treats me but
everyone says he’s always been that
way. It feels pointless to talk to
him about it. Besides, it’s not
exactly a conversation I’m dying to
have.”
I told her that speaking up for
herself and addressing Tim’s
behavior directly felt like an
important action for her to take—if
she could do it respectfully.
With a bitter laugh she said, “Even
if I’m a saint, I bet it won’t be
long before he storms out of that
conversation!”
“Maybe not,” I said, “if you’re well
prepared.”
“So what happens? You prep me and
then I just wait for him to start
doing his thing?”
That was when I told Myra rule
number one about discussing
difficult behavior: have the
discussion when the behavior is not
happening. Discussing someone’s
behavior while they are actually
displaying the behavior is like
trying to change a tire while the
car is going 70 miles an hour: you
might be able to do it but your
chances of success are pretty slim.
Myra understood, so we talked about
how to prepare for the actual
discussion. Preparation is crucial.
Don’t imagine you can just go in and
wing it. The subject is too
emotionally charged—for both
parties.
Here are six steps to help you
prepare to discuss difficult
behaviors successfully.
1 |
Identify observable
behaviors
Observe the behavior as if you’re a
video camera. During a successful
conversation you’ll only discuss
behaviors you’d be able to see on
video playback. This means you won’t
talk about motivations or meanings
or how upset other people are or
anything except observable
behaviors. And only one or two of
those!
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2 |
Define the impact
Clarify what effect the observable
behaviors have on you. This is when
you can name feelings—but only your
own. Talk about the impact the
behaviors have on others only if
they’ve given you permission.
It can be challenging to accurately
name your feelings; our “Feeling
Word Grid” often helps. If you’d
like one,
contact us and we’ll email
it to you.
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3 |
Practice
Of these six steps, this one is the
most important. Don’t speak these
words for the first time when you’re
actually in front of the other
person. Practice out loud in the
car. Or while walking the dog. Or,
even better, practice with someone
removed from the situation. The more
you practice speaking in a simple,
direct way, the more likely the
other person may be able to hear
you. Don’t skip this step.
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4 |
Eliminate landmines
Landmines are ways of speaking that
incite defensive behaviors or allow
others to dismiss your comments.
When you practice, listen for
landmines and eliminate them.
Landmines include:
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All or nothing
thinking: “You
always do this!”
“You never listen!”
“Every time I do
this, you do that.”
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Apologizing: “I’m
sorry to bring this
up but…” “I’m sorry
to be the one to
tell you.” “I don’t
want to upset you.”
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Accusing or blaming:
“When you storm out
of the room, you’re
acting like a two
year-old.” “You
should know better
than that!” “You’re
just not
professional.”
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Attributing or
speculating: “I know
you’re not really
angry with me when
you storm out of the
room.” “I know you
don’t mean to insult
me when you do
that.”
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Advising: “What you
should really be
doing is…” “It would
be so much better
for you if you
would…” “Everyone
would like you so
much more if you…”
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5 |
Speak for yourself
Here are examples: “When you storm
out of the room, I get angry and
feel hopeless about us working
together to help the company.” “When
you yell at me, even though we’re
behind closed doors, I get concerned
about the example we’re setting for
our team members.” “When you reject
my ideas before I’ve explained them,
I sometimes feel I don’t care about
getting your input—that I’ll just go
forward without you. But I don’t
like that option.” Click here for
more about
Speaking for Yourself.
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6 |
Name the conversation
Create a name for the discussion—not
for the behavior, but for the topic
you want to discuss. Myra felt a
good name for her conversation with
Tim would be “Executive Behavior.”
That sounded fine to me. So Myra
knew her opening line to Tim would
be something like, “Tim, I’d like to
talk with you about ‘executive
behavior’.”
A name allows you to talk about the
behavior without blaming. And, in
the future, it will allow you to
quickly re-visit the
conversation—and you will revisit
it! Myra might say, “Tim, remember
when we discussed ‘executive
behavior’?” Or “The way you spoke in
that meeting was a terrific example
of ‘executive behavior’.” A name
helps both parties gain a little
distance and safety. |
Practicing all six of these steps
gave Myra the skill to be confident
and focused during her conversation
with Tim. And, much to her surprise,
Tim remained fairly calm. Over time,
she revisited the conversation with
him more than once and he began to
behave differently with her. She was
hugely relieved. Disciplined
preparation made all the difference.
Read related Tips:
Leading With Your Heart
Delivering Tough Feedback
Giving Powerful Feedback
Handling Defensive Behaviors |
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