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Kristin, a gifted colleague,
was working with me on a large
project for a client. Our contact
was the director of operations who
had a communication style I called “pinballing”:
he’d begin a sentence talking about
a difficult direct report and end
the sentence telling us about a
process in the plant that needed
refinement. Kristin and I would
leave our meetings with him feeling
we’d run a marathon uphill in the
heat on an empty stomach.
One particular goal-setting meeting
with Michael, the pinballer, was
feeling especially difficult. But
then Kristin did something I often
coach others to do and it worked
beautifully.
Michael was talking about the
services he wanted from us in the
coming quarters. He was, as usual,
barely touching on one item before
bouncing to the next. I was
scribbling notes as fast as I could
in an effort to follow his thinking
when Kristin began to shake her head
ever so slightly while Michael
spoke. When he came to a natural
pause, she spoke very slowly.
“I’m sorry, Michael,” she said,
looking down at her notes, “I think
I missed something. When you were
talking about the conflict
resolution training, I completely
missed who the participants for that
class would be.”
I didn’t dare make eye contact with
Kristin; we both knew Michael hadn’t
said a word about who the
participants for that training would
be. But he did now. And it was
critically important information.
In another few minutes, Kristin put
her hand out on the table and said,
“Maybe this is a flaw in my thinking
but I don’t think mixing the
coaching with the performance
reviews is going to get you the
results you want.”
Michael was quick to agree that that
was not a good plan—although he had
suggested it just a minute earlier.
What Kristin was doing with enormous
success was taking responsibility
for the communication—or the
miscommunication. The two phrases “I
think I missed something” and “maybe
this is a flaw in my thinking” made
any misunderstandings her doing. Her
willingness to cast herself as “the
problem” allowed Michael to clarify
his ideas without defensiveness.
Very effective.
I coached Caroline, a client of
mine, to use a similar tool to
resolve a serious issue.
Caroline had accepted a transfer to
a remote outpost with the
understanding that the skills she’d
learn there over twelve or eighteen
months would allow her to return to
a major production facility in a
senior leadership role. Four months
into her remote posting, she was
unable to see that she was learning
anything new at all. She felt
dead-ended and concerned about her
career.
As we discussed this situation, she
mentioned two people who had been
instrumental in persuading her to
accept the position: one had held
the position before and another was
the head of the facility that would
bring her back from her current
post.
I asked what she was hearing from
these two fellows. “Nothing,” she
said regretfully. “And if I bring it
up to them I’m going to sound like
I’m a whiner or ungrateful or high
maintenance.”
That was when I taught Caroline the
phrase, “Help me understand.”
“Help me understand” is extremely
useful when used as a
straightforward request for
information. Here’s how I thought
Caroline could use it:
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“I know you thought there were
important skills for me to learn
here. I’m afraid I may not be
focusing on the right things. Help
me understand what you wanted me to
learn while I’m here.” |
Like the phrases Kristin used with
Michael, “help me understand” casts
you in the role of learner. When
asked in a neutral, inquisitive
manner, it takes away any sense of
blame or accusation. It allows the
other person to respond without
defensiveness. It certainly is
better than any phrase that sounds
like “but you said...”
Caroline, always conscious of
relationships and appearances, was
concerned that this sort of
conscious phrasing would be
manipulative. I said it would indeed
if she were using it to gain
advantage.
Manipulation, to me, implies that I
end up elevated and you end up
diminished. If I get you to do
something that moves me one step up
while moving you one step down, that
is manipulative. But “help me
understand” doesn’t put anyone up
over any one else; it is truly
win-win.
One caution: in some cases,
especially with some women, “help me
understand” can sound like a plea
for help. It shouldn’t. I cautioned
Caroline to be sure to use it
without diminishment. “Help me
understand” should sound like the
last question from Sherlock Holmes,
full of insight, interest and
authority. It is the inquiry of a
fast-thinking professional who has
spotted a gap.
The important, common theme in all
these phrases is the responsibility
the speaker takes for the success of
the communication. When you speak
these phrases as an equal, they
model humility, remove blame and
lower barriers. They are, quite
simply, very powerful ways to sound
like a leader.
Read related Tips:
Disagree Agreeably
Getting Agreement
Leadership & Listening
Stop Giving Away Your Secrets
Three Words You Should Never Say |
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