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An inquiry via email
In response to last month’s
Executive Coaching Tip, I got
the following email from a guy
named Guy:
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My boss constantly
corrects me and
undermines me in
meetings. It’s not that
she says I’m wrong,
exactly, but she makes
it clear we have
different styles and
that my style is worse
than hers. How do I
approach her about this? |
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Guy’s situation feels like
many others I’ve coached, so my
five-step recommendation to him
is this month’s Coaching Tip. I
wrote:
Five steps to follow
I’m sorry this is happening,
Guy. I’m encouraged that I don’t
hear you wanting to make her
stop or change her—a good thing
since we can’t change anyone but
ourselves.
How to approach her about this?
Here are five steps to help you
do this as smoothly as possible.
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1 |
Gather good data
You say your boss
“constantly corrects
me.” Really? Constantly?
I doubt that. When
exactly does her
correcting behavior
happen? What does she
actually say? How does
she “undermine” you?
Don’t trust your memory
or your feelings. Write
it down. Don’t inflate
or exaggerate what
happens. Be as accurate
as possible.
You might also gather
data from others. Don’t
influence people by
asking loaded questions
like, “Did you see how
she undermined me in
that meeting?” That’s
not helpful.
Rather, ask neutral
questions: “My boss and
I are talking about how
we treat each other in
meetings. What do our
interactions look like
to you?”
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2 |
Rehearse with someone
you trust
Don’t wing this
conversation with your
boss: rehearsal improves
performance, especially
when stakes are high and
emotions may cloud
judgment. Malcolm
Gladwell, in his
best-selling book,
Blink, shows how
rehearsal helped police
officers lower their
heart rate in dangerous
situations. See Chapter
Six, Section 7:
“Something in My Mind
Just Told Me I Didn’t
Have to Shoot Yet.”
Fascinating. And beyond
dispute.
Rehearse with someone
you trust. Explain the
situation as best you
can. Then have your
partner be you and you
be your boss. Try to
listen and react the way
you think she would.
Rehearsing a difficult
situation as the other
person is
extraordinarily helpful.
Then, switch roles and
be yourself and rehearse
again. I guarantee
you’ll have gained some
insights that will
improve your
performance.
During this second
rehearsal, have your
partner listen for three
behaviors (items 3 – 5).
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3 |
Avoid blaming
language
“You correct me in
meetings” is a blaming
statement.
Instead of telling her
about her behavior, talk
about your experience.
For example: “In the
meeting yesterday, I
heard you say ‘xyz.’”
She might disagree with
your report but you
can’t be "wrong." Your
experience is your
experience and it’s
valid. This is another
reason to
be impeccable
with your word and
report as accurately as
possible.
“It seemed you were
trying to undermine me”
is another blaming
statement. Why? Because
you’re guessing (making
accusations) about her
intentions. You don’t
know anything about her
intentions.
The solution once again
is to talk about your
experience: “When you
said ‘xyz,’ I felt
undermined.” It’s okay
to name your feelings.
There’s no blame in
having had a feeling.
Here again, she may not
agree, or even
understand, but you
can’t be wrong: your
feelings are your
feelings. Period.
(The difference between
reporting your
experience versus making
blaming statements is
often a difficult
concept to grasp. If
this doesn’t make sense,
please write me.)
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4 |
Share your feelings
without accusation
Reading your email, Guy,
I sense you want to say,
“My boss makes me feel
undermined.” In other
words, you sense you’re
feeling the way you feel
because of what she did
to you.
That’s understandable,
but there’s a flaw in
that thinking. In truth,
Guy, no one can “make”
you feel anything. I
think we all have said
at one time or another,
“You make me angry.” But
that’s an impossibility.
Your feelings are yours.
No one can make you feel
anything.
Be willing to own that
you have feelings that
might have nothing to do
with her intention.
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5 |
Talk tentatively and
encourage testing
When we want people to
hear potentially
uncomfortable
information, most of us
square our shoulders and
“tell it like it is.” We
say things like, “It’s
obvious that…” Or “The
fact is…” Or “Everyone
knows…” To make our
point, we get overly
assertive. And the other
person gets defensive.
Rightly so!
But evidence shows that
if you can express
yourself with a
combination of humility
and confidence, the
other person is more
likely to consider your
idea. (This concept is
explained well in the
essential book,
Crucial
Conversations, Chapter
7.)
Use phrases like, “I
wonder if…” “Maybe
you’re unaware…” “My
experience has been…”
Then encourage your boss
to test your ideas. “How
does that sound to you?”
“I wonder what you’re
thinking.” |
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Put it all together
So when you put #3, 4 and 5
together, it will sound
something like this:
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“In the meeting yesterday, I
heard you say ‘xyz.’ When you
said that, I felt undermined. I
don’t know how that sounds to
you. I’m wondering if you can
understand my feelings.” |
Then, stop talking and see what
she has to say. If she responds
defensively, stay calm. You can
reply with a contrasting
statement.
A contrasting statement in this
situation might sound like this:
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“It wasn’t my intention to
accuse you of anything. I just
wanted to let you know how I
felt.” |
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People change slowly. She may
continue to make similar
“correcting” comments. And you
may continue to feel undermined.
That’s normal. Be prepared to
revisit the conversation.
When you can raise a difficult
issue repeatedly and create a
climate that feels safe enough
for you both to discuss it,
you’ll have gone a long way
towards The Look & Sound of Leadership™.
Read a related Tip:
Resolving Conflict
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