A powerful model for intimacy
Evan felt lucky to have had Trish as his mentor. “I’ve never seen anyone build relationships as fast as she can,” he told me. “She can read a room in the first minute or two and then say just the right thing to turn people into raving fans. It’s uncanny.”

Evan had been studying with a master, but now Trish was moving on to run an international division. As one of her final acts, she asked me to help Evan develop better people skills.

When I asked her to define “people skills,” she went straight to the point. “He needs to be more emotionally honest. And he needs to stop being afraid he’ll screw up the business. If he’d just take some personal risks, he’d actually be taking fewer risks for the business.”

The two behaviors Trish described—emotional honesty and personal risk-taking—combine to create what I call intimacy in business. Don’t let the word “intimacy” confuse you. Intimacy in business is not about sharing personal information. And it’s not about holding hands and singing “Kumbaya.” Intimacy in business is the ability to connect with people on an emotional level.

People who create intimacy in business are able to achieve two specific results: First, they are able to safely raise difficult topics, and second, they are able to set and hold boundaries without damaging relationships. Doing both those things well requires emotional honesty and personal risk-taking.

Holding a boundary
For a high achiever like Evan who only feels successful when hitting his numbers and ticking items off his lists, Trish’s urging for emotional honesty and personal risk-taking might as well have been whispered through a mile-long garden hose in a foreign language during a thunderstorm. Even though he’d been watching her do it, he couldn’t imagine how to turn her suggestion into action for himself.

I decided to work with Evan to develop one aspect of intimacy in business: setting and holding boundaries. As a sort of baseline test, I thought I’d see what it would take to get Evan to be emotionally honest and take personal risks.

During an earlier coaching session, Evan had mentioned he was estranged from one of his sisters. I returned to that topic now and asked—demanded, really—for more information about that relationship. He gave a short, evasive answer. I pushed for clarification. He tried to avoid the question but I pressed harder. He smiled in a strained way and asked if we could change the subject. “Why?” I asked in a rather challenging tone.

“Well,” he mumbled, looking down at his hands in his lap, “I’d just rather we talk about something else.”

Violating a boundary
I fell silent for so long that he finally looked up. I smiled at him and said, “That was pretty uncomfortable, wasn’t it?” He protested that it wasn’t. “Evan,” I said, “this is what Trish was talking about. She wants you to be emotionally honest. Part of that means being honest about your own feelings. It looked to me like you were really uncomfortable.”

By pushing Evan to talk about his sister when I knew he didn’t want to, I’d knowingly violated his personal comfort zone. But despite his emotional distress, Evan wasn’t able to set and hold a boundary.

This exercise isn’t idle. People unintentionally violate our boundaries all the time. A colleague innocently asks about your performance review; how could she know it went horribly and you don’t want to talk about it? Or a co-worker asks about the budget meeting; how could she know you’re reeling because your numbers got slashed? Or a friend asks after your daughter; how could he know you’re freaked out because she’s on academic suspension?

Often when these violations happen, we think, “He should have known better than to ask!” But of course that’s not really true. He couldn’t have known. And even if he had known, the responsibility isn’t on him not to ask; the responsibility is on us to set and hold our boundaries.

Boundaries and emotional honesty
Evan wanted to know how setting boundaries connects to emotional honesty. The answer is that it’s almost impossible to respectfully set and hold a boundary without being emotionally honest.

When I pushed Evan about his sister, he was unable to be emotionally honest even about his own emotions. His discomfort with his own feelings made him unable to simply maintain eye contact and say in a respectful manner, “You know, Tom, I’d rather not talk about that with you right now.” That would have been emotionally honest.

Setting and holding boundaries applies in many parts of our lives. Rene is a simple example of this. As a new team leader, she was unable to clearly articulate deadlines and then hold people accountable. She failed to set and hold boundaries.

Sanjay, a senior vice president, is another example. During a coaching session, he collapsed with sadness describing his overwhelming workload. He’d been unable to set and hold boundaries about what he was capable of taking on. Now he felt violated and depleted. Was it his boss’s fault? No. I believe it was Sanjay’s job to know his limits, declare them and hold them.

Risk-taking and emotional honesty
Imagine you’re in your boss’s staff meeting. Some of your peers are proposing an action you feel is a mistake. While three or four people are pushing hard for this new direction, you notice a strong feeling of disagreement within yourself. You also notice that you’re one of four or five people trading furtive glances but not speaking up.

It will take a large personal risk to express your disagreement. And, when you do, if you can be emotionally honest you’re more likely to get your message heard. You might say, in an unemotional voice, “I’m aware that I’m going against the grain here and I don’t want to appear argumentative, but I have really different feelings about this. Actually, I’m pretty alarmed. Here are my thoughts…”

Please note: taking a risk while being emotionally honest does not mean being emotional. Look at this response as an example: “I can’t believe you’re thinking about going down this road. This would be a disaster! And what’s with the rest of you who aren’t speaking up? I hope you guys are gonna back me up here!” That might be an honest expression of your emotions but it’s too emotional to be productive

If you can be aware of—but not hijacked by—your emotions, you have no need to become emotional when you’re risk-taking. However if you do feel yourself becoming emotional, it may indicate you feel violated in some way which means you may need to set and hold a boundary.

A colleague of mine, Susan Picascia, says that as coaches we’re expected to speak uncomfortable truths. I think she’s right. I know that in order to be able to speak uncomfortable truths, I have to muster my emotional honesty and be willing to take some big risks. But I have learned that when I do that, I create intimacy in business. I am so inspired by the leaders who are able to do the same thing on a regular basis. To me, that is a powerful display of The Look & Sound of Leadership™.

Read related Tips:
Ask for What You Want
Disagree Agreeably
Holding People Accountable
Leading with Your Heart
Repairing Damaged Relationships
Speaking for Yourself